Getting What You Need

On January 8, 2013 I made a commitment to myself, one that I have made many times before and failed.  As I made this vow to myself I hope and pray that the light will finally come on, and my body will respond in kind.  I want to be able to run and jump and lead an all around active lifestyle.  I want to be able to pass on an attitude of health to my son, so he doesn’t get caught in the same trap I have been in for the last 38 years.  I don’t want him to go through the ridicule I went through in my school years, being the FAT kid.  I have been the butt of many jokes, and heard the whispers in the halls at school and what no one realized is the words that I said to myself were worse then anything anyone could have said to me.

I am happy to be taking on this journey again as I feel that no matter how long it takes me to reach my goal, by starting today I am one step closer then if I had not started at all!  We live in a world of instant gratification and that makes this all the more difficult.  There are going to be ups and downs and this isn’t always going to be filled with joy and laughter.  There has to be some sweat and tears in order to surpass your biggest demons.  There are things all around that will try and defeat you before you ever even try to succeed, so I am walking this path minute by minute because that is what I am able to handle.

For the first time in my life I am finally doing this for me, not because my parents wanted me too, not because the kids at school ridiculed me, not because I wanted to be a smaller size but because I am ready to be a better me!  I want to learn to love myself and hopefully be able to inspire those around me and help them reach their goals, whatever they may be.  I look for things that will inspire me every day and help me get a positive attitude about what ever the day may bring.   So today I leave you with this video, which leaves me covered in goose bumps and tears running down my face and with the sense that I can do whatever I put my mind too!

Down Is Better Than Up!

This morning as I woke, I knew exactly what day it was! Time to be accountable for all that I have or haven't done and the scale would give me the answer. I did my normal routine, use the bathroom, stare at the scale, brush my teeth, stare at the scale and finally I get in the shower all the while still staring at the scale. I was excited and anxious to see where I was this week as last week had left me more than discouraged, but I persevered and continued so that I could get to this day.

So I finally get out of the shower, jump on the scale and it tells me that the battery is dead! GREAT! I finally got the courage to stand here in all my naked glory to see what this week's outcome would bring and apparently it was dead batteries! Of all the challenges, I did not need this one this morning. Part of me thought, oh forget about it, just weigh yourself next week but I knew that would not help! As I continued on my mission to get my weekly number I turned the scale over to find out that it is not just your typical AAA or AA battery, NO it is one of those dumb little round ones and who keeps those on hand! JUST GREAT!!! I holler at my husband, who has so graciously dealt with me these past couple weeks as I have begun to start my life long journey of becoming a better and healthier ME! Luckily I am married to an amazing man, so of course he has the battery I need and now I am back to the scale! I put the scale down; wipe my eyes a couple times because I can't possibly be seeing this correctly. I jump on the scale a couple more times just to make sure it is reading properly and once I realize the scale is correct; I think to myself are you fucking kidding me, .6 pounds, what kind of a number is that. I felt deflated! I walked around huffing and puffing on the verge of tears and wondering why I even bother! My husband says "babe, it is better then no weight loss", which doesn't seem to make me feel any better as I stare at his lean frame knowing he eats whatever he wants and still looks great!

After a few moments of having my pity party I finally begin to calm down and decided to reach out to my friends on Facebook, because this girl could use any and all positive affirmations today. As my day gets on I realize that I am .6 pounds lighter then I was yesterday, I am no longer in my 20's and that I must work even harder to commit to my health. I get so lost in the numbers that I drive myself crazy, and what I need to do is think of it in days, weeks, months and years and realize that every tenth of a pound is one step closer to the woman I was born to be!

Hike to Challenge

How can I explain my disdain for the hike to Hanakapia. I have never been so challenged in my life. I felt weak and strong. I cried, and cried and cried some more until something inside me yelled MOVE, you can do it.

Challenge is not a word used much in my vocabulary, but this day it was the main focus. I lost sight of the beauty that was surrounding me. I see pictures of the hike that I did, and now I am amazed that I climbed that rock, I moved over mountains.

I did not make it all the way to the falls, but there will be a day when I will move mountains again and take that LONG walk to the falls and enjoy every moment, because at that moment I will realize I was stronger then I was yesterday and I can accomplish ANYTHING!

Believe

Today I was asked by a friend where I thought I would be in ten years? Now this question has always given me problems and the fact that I have never been able to answer it I believe is the root of all my issues. I mean don’t you have to know who you are and where you want to go in order to get there. I am afraid of failure in every sense of the word. I am so afraid that I will fall flat on my face that I never get up and even try.

Growing up I never felt challenged about where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be. I don’t recall being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. My parents were hard working individuals who were busy building successful businesses that in turn have allowed me to have certain privileges in life, but I gave up an immense amount of hands on, show me that you love me kind of time. In the end I think the latter was the most important. You are a product of your environment and if you aren’t challenged as a child it will haunt you as an adult.

I know now that at this point in my life I am the only person that can get me to where I need to go next. I may not have been pushed when I was younger, but I know that I need to sit down and finally answer that question. Map out a plan, because once you see it, you can believe it and once you can believe it, you can achieve it. I

The Switch

I am sitting here trying to figure out what to feed my rumbling belly; all the while trying not to be disgusted at the way my belly looks. I have never been in such a complete feeling of awfulness. I can only stand to look at myself from the shoulders up these days and even that leaves a lot to be desired. I know I can lose the weight. I have done this before! I just do not know why the brain has not been turned on to create the desire to do something. When will I begin to win the battle over this beast, how much more disgusted do I have to be?

I have went through my past journals to see what my frame of mind was when I decided to make that change and I came up with this. I was 29 and single. Does that say it all? I knew by the time my birthday rolled around I had no desire to be fat, 30 and single, so I stuck to the plan and got it done. Being single at the time helped as I was constantly in motion. You know being single is kind of like being rich! Always on the go, places to see and people to meet. There was not time to sit and think about what I am going to eat next.

Now as I am approaching my 35th year I have become comfortable with where I am and who I am, apparently too comfortable. There is no longer the pressure of finding the perfect mate or trying to keep up with the younger somethings now I am just me, and while I do like me on the inside I just want that to reflect on the outside. So I go to bed every night and pray to the God’s that I will find that switch, the light will turn on and my body will begin to follow.

Accomplished

This morning I was pleasantly awaken by my boyfriend, as I mentioned to him last night that I would like to go for a walk. Now I am by no means a morning person, so I always think to myself do you enjoy setting yourself up for failure. I mean if I am not a morning person and yet I am trying to get myself out of bed at zero dark thirty in the morning to do exercise, another activity that does not resonate well with me. Doesn’t that sound like failure to you?

As I hemmed and hawed in bed for about 15 minutes I could hear by boyfriend walking toward the room to get me out for my walk. I took a deep sigh trying not to get irritated for being woken up, and rolled out of bed, put on my shoes and headed out of the door.

Once I was on this walk I got to see the joy in my dogs face as he went speeding around the block pulling my boyfriend on his skateboard and that in turn made my face light up. So even though I set myself up for failure; in the end I accomplished two of the hardest goals for myself, and although I have a long journey ahead to make these routines part of my every day life, today I accomplished those tasks.

Defined

How is it defined? It can be your mom, dad, best friend, lover, husband, significant other, life partner, it can be whoever you want it to be. So if it's whoever then its whenever and with that everyone trying to define it, when if you just looked into yourself deep enough, wide enough- you will find your own define. And with that it becomes what you make it and how much you put into it. So don't let someone tell you it's definition. You tell them I know what it is, but beware because they might want to know how you define it.