Defined

How is it defined? It can be your mom, dad, best friend, lover, husband, significant other, life partner, it can be whoever you want it to be. So if it's whoever then its whenever and with that everyone trying to define it, when if you just looked into yourself deep enough, wide enough- you will find your own define. And with that it becomes what you make it and how much you put into it. So don't let someone tell you it's definition. You tell them I know what it is, but beware because they might want to know how you define it.

Drama

Although I profess to not want drama in my life, I seem to have the uncanny ability to create it. I have learned alot, loved hard and lost myself or rather pieces of me. I exude patience in most aspects of my life, except when it comes to love. I have not learned to be patient with love. I am used to doing it my way - Spoiled, spoiled rotten!

I have issues accepting love the way it is presented to me. Realizing that just because someone does not love the way I would (with reckless abandon) does not mean they are loving wrong. I want to be loved and accepted, but have not learned to love and accept.

How many times must I push until I push so hard that there is no coming back. Will I be able to pull back in order to let it come in? Can I get back to the honest, heartfelt, butterflies & forehead kisses? Am I enough? I do know sometimes you have to let go to get back. How long does this take? Is there a timeline on love?

I am in love, I am feeling love, but did I wipe it away? Is the honeymoon over? I am ready for it to begin?

Can We Live

Love, honesty, integrity, sincerity. . .Make me love, make me whole, make me believe. I need to feel you, hear you, smell you, taste you!! Do you understand my need? Are we lost, can we be found? Can we make love, make us whole, without being one, without being two. But living honestly amongst each other, feeling, breathing, touching, seeing. . .

loving the other one

How is it that it becomes easier to give of your body and not your soul. I am in a loving relationship that I hold dear to my heart, but there is always this yearning and desire to seek out other men. I am not sure if this is part of who I am or the years have conditioned my soul to think that I am not worthy to be the only one.

I never realized all these years of bed hopping would only lead me to want more! I always told myself I want a relationship someone I can come home too and share my world with, and all I can think about is trying to have sex wtih another man. My head and heart knows that this is not right, nor is it truly what I want.

I seem to have intimacy problems when it comes to the man that I share my life with. I do not want to do all of the fun sexual things that I was doing before. I have realized that while I can fully love someone, I cannot love someone and feel a sexual desire toward them. We have sex, but it does not fulfill those same desires as when I was single.

Some of it I attribute to just being familiar and that as people we are always seeking out the unfamiliar. How does one turn the passion back on to the person they love? Am I the only one who works this way? How do I break free of two worlds I want to call one!

Hips

The size of my hips have always been an issue, and today is no different. I am screaming trying to figure out how to make them less of a concern. When I wake up in the morning I try and will myself the power to be anorexic. I am tired of thinking about food. What I want to eat, should I eat it, is it bad for me? I just want to be!

This is a life long struggle for me and one that I was close to conquering a few years back, and now I must start the journey again. So here I am the same as I was three years ago, maybe a little lighter but who can tell. I want to be the girl that walks into a room and heads turn and eyes follow. I do not have visions of grandeur in hopes of being a size zero, but a single digit would do wonders.

When I look in the mirror I can see that girl staring back, but how on earth can I pull her to safety. I feel as if she is starting to drown inside me. There is a logical side to me that knows exactly what I should be doing, but I can't tap into that space. It is a journey that is hard to understand unless you have walked in these shoes. The world around us is cruel and there is not room for imperfections. You are what people see and although we may not like that thought it is our reality.

I would not will this problem to my worst enemy. It is one that has taunted me to tears on more than one occassion. I have journals and journals about this struggle, and the battle to allow myself to "fit" in. To be beautiful enough on the outside so that people will see the inside. This has opened the door for huge insecurities in my life that I am still conflicted with today. A conversation about weight makes me break out in hives and want to run for the hills. This is a discussion that I do not want to have with anyone.

My parents have constantly tried to fight for me to be thin. They are worried about my health. What they do not see is that this burden is all mine. There are no conversations left to have. Me, myself and I have already had these conversations. I avoid looking at this body every chance I get and I wonder when is the light going to switch on and this weight lifts. When does this stop being a burden. I surround myself with positive images and affirmations in hopes of a break through. This is my destiny, my life path and now I just need the power to change it.

Meeting

Meet in the sheets
But not in the head
No time to talk
plenty to moan
and room to groan

you know my physique
but not my space
you know my name
but not my heart!

Walls

I've built walls

Walls to tall to climb.
Walls to heavy to lift.
Walls to dark to see through.

Yes, I have built these walls

Walls to protect me.
Walls to keep out strangers.
Walls so people can not see ME.
The only thing these walls have kept out .
Is the one thing I wanted most .
Love.

So now instead of walls.
I have surrounded myself.
With Love.

Love to protect me.
Love to allow those
Who don't know me in.
Love so people can
See Me.

I am protected by Love!I

The Who That I Am

Trapped, chained, wanting to break free. . .

Free to be who I please.
Free to breathe.
And be the who that I am.

Free to suffer from my own delusions.
Free to prosper from my potential prospects.

Free to love
Free to feel
Free to fail
Free to be myself