The size of my hips have always been an issue, and today is no different. I am screaming trying to figure out how to make them less of a concern. When I wake up in the morning I try and will myself the power to be anorexic. I am tired of thinking about food. What I want to eat, should I eat it, is it bad for me? I just want to be!
This is a life long struggle for me and one that I was close to conquering a few years back, and now I must start the journey again. So here I am the same as I was three years ago, maybe a little lighter but who can tell. I want to be the girl that walks into a room and heads turn and eyes follow. I do not have visions of grandeur in hopes of being a size zero, but a single digit would do wonders.
When I look in the mirror I can see that girl staring back, but how on earth can I pull her to safety. I feel as if she is starting to drown inside me. There is a logical side to me that knows exactly what I should be doing, but I can't tap into that space. It is a journey that is hard to understand unless you have walked in these shoes. The world around us is cruel and there is not room for imperfections. You are what people see and although we may not like that thought it is our reality.
I would not will this problem to my worst enemy. It is one that has taunted me to tears on more than one occassion. I have journals and journals about this struggle, and the battle to allow myself to "fit" in. To be beautiful enough on the outside so that people will see the inside. This has opened the door for huge insecurities in my life that I am still conflicted with today. A conversation about weight makes me break out in hives and want to run for the hills. This is a discussion that I do not want to have with anyone.
My parents have constantly tried to fight for me to be thin. They are worried about my health. What they do not see is that this burden is all mine. There are no conversations left to have. Me, myself and I have already had these conversations. I avoid looking at this body every chance I get and I wonder when is the light going to switch on and this weight lifts. When does this stop being a burden. I surround myself with positive images and affirmations in hopes of a break through. This is my destiny, my life path and now I just need the power to change it.
