Hike to Challenge

How can I explain my disdain for the hike to Hanakapia. I have never been so challenged in my life. I felt weak and strong. I cried, and cried and cried some more until something inside me yelled MOVE, you can do it.

Challenge is not a word used much in my vocabulary, but this day it was the main focus. I lost sight of the beauty that was surrounding me. I see pictures of the hike that I did, and now I am amazed that I climbed that rock, I moved over mountains.

I did not make it all the way to the falls, but there will be a day when I will move mountains again and take that LONG walk to the falls and enjoy every moment, because at that moment I will realize I was stronger then I was yesterday and I can accomplish ANYTHING!

Believe

Today I was asked by a friend where I thought I would be in ten years? Now this question has always given me problems and the fact that I have never been able to answer it I believe is the root of all my issues. I mean don’t you have to know who you are and where you want to go in order to get there. I am afraid of failure in every sense of the word. I am so afraid that I will fall flat on my face that I never get up and even try.

Growing up I never felt challenged about where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be. I don’t recall being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. My parents were hard working individuals who were busy building successful businesses that in turn have allowed me to have certain privileges in life, but I gave up an immense amount of hands on, show me that you love me kind of time. In the end I think the latter was the most important. You are a product of your environment and if you aren’t challenged as a child it will haunt you as an adult.

I know now that at this point in my life I am the only person that can get me to where I need to go next. I may not have been pushed when I was younger, but I know that I need to sit down and finally answer that question. Map out a plan, because once you see it, you can believe it and once you can believe it, you can achieve it. I

The Switch

I am sitting here trying to figure out what to feed my rumbling belly; all the while trying not to be disgusted at the way my belly looks. I have never been in such a complete feeling of awfulness. I can only stand to look at myself from the shoulders up these days and even that leaves a lot to be desired. I know I can lose the weight. I have done this before! I just do not know why the brain has not been turned on to create the desire to do something. When will I begin to win the battle over this beast, how much more disgusted do I have to be?

I have went through my past journals to see what my frame of mind was when I decided to make that change and I came up with this. I was 29 and single. Does that say it all? I knew by the time my birthday rolled around I had no desire to be fat, 30 and single, so I stuck to the plan and got it done. Being single at the time helped as I was constantly in motion. You know being single is kind of like being rich! Always on the go, places to see and people to meet. There was not time to sit and think about what I am going to eat next.

Now as I am approaching my 35th year I have become comfortable with where I am and who I am, apparently too comfortable. There is no longer the pressure of finding the perfect mate or trying to keep up with the younger somethings now I am just me, and while I do like me on the inside I just want that to reflect on the outside. So I go to bed every night and pray to the God’s that I will find that switch, the light will turn on and my body will begin to follow.

Accomplished

This morning I was pleasantly awaken by my boyfriend, as I mentioned to him last night that I would like to go for a walk. Now I am by no means a morning person, so I always think to myself do you enjoy setting yourself up for failure. I mean if I am not a morning person and yet I am trying to get myself out of bed at zero dark thirty in the morning to do exercise, another activity that does not resonate well with me. Doesn’t that sound like failure to you?

As I hemmed and hawed in bed for about 15 minutes I could hear by boyfriend walking toward the room to get me out for my walk. I took a deep sigh trying not to get irritated for being woken up, and rolled out of bed, put on my shoes and headed out of the door.

Once I was on this walk I got to see the joy in my dogs face as he went speeding around the block pulling my boyfriend on his skateboard and that in turn made my face light up. So even though I set myself up for failure; in the end I accomplished two of the hardest goals for myself, and although I have a long journey ahead to make these routines part of my every day life, today I accomplished those tasks.